Winter is coming....

So life has been doing the pro/con type of stuff.

Pro List:
The new house has been a project every weekend, we are putting in a new lawn.
Rick got a new job with more money.
The heat has finally taken a break so I don't feel the need to die.
3rd grandchild still cooking for his birth in November.
The holidays are upon us.

Con List:
Found out I am a diabetic and am on the verge of a heart attack.
Don't think I'm going to pass the real estate test.

12/10/18 Update:

It seems This post got away from me.

So updates:
Got my sugar levels in control no more think I'm dying
Lost 35 pounds so far
Rick got me an Alaska Cruz for our anniversary
OH and I passed the real estate test

I can't believe it have been over a year since my last post, lots of changes.  My sweet baby boy (grandson) was born last year on November 5th, 2017.  We almost lost him, had some brain issues but we have worked thru all of it.  He is the light of my life.  Now that he is doing better Channon and Josh will be moving out to there own place to start there life.

Devon has met a wonderful guy named Chris and she seems to be pretty happy right now.  Josh was able to get her on to work at Goodwill and that seems to be setting pretty good with her.

Now that Christmas is here I truly do feel blessed.

2019 here we come.......

And on the lighter side of life

I thought maybe I should write something positive as I seem to only reflect on all the icky things I go through.  So I just found out last Sunday I'm gonna be a grandma again.  My daughter Channon is
going to have a baby boy in November, 2017.  

That will make three for me.....So excited.

My beloved pupper dog

On April 7, 2017 I lost my best friend....Daisy.  After 16 years of constant loyalty I had to put her down.  I feel as if my child has died, my heart is broken.

I have lived through so much death in my life, my first dog ~ Suzy, father, grandparents, sister, mother, aunt..... I am literally alone, an orphan.

I ask the big question....Why am I still here?  This life is so fucking hard, why did they get to go on to better things and I am stuck here waiting.  I AM NOT the strong person people think I am ~ I am broken, sad and tired of everything.

I have cried so many tears in this life, I don't want to cry anymore.  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!
Just to have that sweet fuzzy face come and lick my tears would mean so much to me right now.

The ups and downs of life

Each day gives me a different scope.  Living in a house with so many people lends to someone will inevitably being having a bad day.  Now of course with me being the "Mom' I always want everyone to be happy, including myself.  Now that we are fully in the new house and the moving is over.  I am hoping the tension will dye down.  So for now we have a new house, my middle daughter is pregnant and is getting married in May and we can see the future.  I am happy, just haven't been able to show it yet.

I'm buying a house.....

Or at least tying to.  Here I am 53 and for the first time buying a house.  There have been so many pitfalls and curves in this road I don't know where to begin.  Let's hope the end is we get the house.  I want to say this has been the hardest thing I have ever done ~ but it's not.  This is just a drop in the bucket of hard things.

So will I get the cute little house with the white picket fence.  Stay tuned....

Reading my world....I'm not alone

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So I guess I have people out there in the universe who read my posts.  It feels strange to know that people are reading my words.  Who are you?

I wonder what are they getting from it? Does it bring them to a better understanding of themselves.  I know for myself writing and putting it out into the world brings me a small amount of feeling like I'm being heard.

and sometime I lie awake at night and just cry.

I live in a house full of people and I mean FULL.  There are 6 adults, 2 kids, 6 dogs ranging in size from a lab to a chi wow wow and let's not forget the 2 cats.  I am never alone, the house is never quite, and yet inside my brain I am very alone and it is very quite.  

This poem is my life:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I did this so many times I just can't count.  Forever was such a long time each time I did this.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
Now I'm feeling stupid and I know the world thinks I'm stupid, even my kids think I'm stupid.   I'm ashamed I just want to hide I am stupid.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I start to see that I have a problem and start looking for answers and help.  I acknowledge that something is wrong that I must stop this cycle. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
After going to therapy and learning to love myself first I learned this hole is just that a hole.  It doesn't control me, it doesn't own me.  I'ts just a frickin hole in the ground filled with crap.

I walk down another street.” holding my kids hands and my head up high.

Now I'm not alone.

Alone

There it is "that word", just watching it sit there makes you feel alone.  Waking up to nothing, spending an entire day of nothing, looking at the phone and thinking "why do I have this?".  Lastly going to bed to the sound of silence.  This is my life and I can't stand it.

Change it?  Of course right away.....