Dear Journal
What do I want from this experience? A million things, and nothing, really.
I've had forty-three years of life, and nearly that many years of living, to learn about myself. There have been a good many lessons along the way: questions asked, weaknesses exposed, emotions expressed, purpose explored. But it's been a insulated exercise. A self-guided journey, limited by definition to parameters dictated either consciously or subconsciously, where tender spots could be avoided, unattractive truths danced around.
What I want from this experience of life, mostly, is to be pushed. Beyond the self-imposed boundaries, beyond the surface scratches into something deeper. Beyond the simple identification of traits and tendencies and into an understanding of them.
It's not enough, now, to know that I cycle through periods of self-destructive abuse. It's not enough to know that I martyr myself to everyone else's needs,to the point that my own emotions are so entwined with theirs, I lose my Self. It's not enough to know that I set the bar of expectation across the spectrum of my life so high, that let down and failure become inevitable, again and again.
And I do know these things. They - and others like them - have become clearly identified parts of Me over time. It's not enough, anymore, to know they exist. It is time - and I am ready - to understand where they come from, what it is inside of me that allows me to be content to figure out ways to live around them.
It is time - and I am ready - to effect change in patterns of behavior that are neither healthy nor productive.
It is time - and I am ready - to discover who I am. Without the constraints of conforming. Without the masks of being who you think I need to be. Without the pretense of hiding the scary, ugly parts, even if only from myself.
What do I want from this experience of life?
I want to follow where the journey leads, with an open mind and willing heart.
I want to grow, adapt, change, and expand.
I want to examine what I want, and learn how to get there from here.
I want to wake up on a morning near the end of it, look in the mirror, and like what I see.
I want to introduce myself to Me, with love and understanding.
This is my journey.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
~ Muhammad Ali
Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up.
~ Pearl S. Buck
I've had forty-three years of life, and nearly that many years of living, to learn about myself. There have been a good many lessons along the way: questions asked, weaknesses exposed, emotions expressed, purpose explored. But it's been a insulated exercise. A self-guided journey, limited by definition to parameters dictated either consciously or subconsciously, where tender spots could be avoided, unattractive truths danced around.
What I want from this experience of life, mostly, is to be pushed. Beyond the self-imposed boundaries, beyond the surface scratches into something deeper. Beyond the simple identification of traits and tendencies and into an understanding of them.
It's not enough, now, to know that I cycle through periods of self-destructive abuse. It's not enough to know that I martyr myself to everyone else's needs,to the point that my own emotions are so entwined with theirs, I lose my Self. It's not enough to know that I set the bar of expectation across the spectrum of my life so high, that let down and failure become inevitable, again and again.
And I do know these things. They - and others like them - have become clearly identified parts of Me over time. It's not enough, anymore, to know they exist. It is time - and I am ready - to understand where they come from, what it is inside of me that allows me to be content to figure out ways to live around them.
It is time - and I am ready - to effect change in patterns of behavior that are neither healthy nor productive.
It is time - and I am ready - to discover who I am. Without the constraints of conforming. Without the masks of being who you think I need to be. Without the pretense of hiding the scary, ugly parts, even if only from myself.
What do I want from this experience of life?
I want to follow where the journey leads, with an open mind and willing heart.
I want to grow, adapt, change, and expand.
I want to examine what I want, and learn how to get there from here.
I want to wake up on a morning near the end of it, look in the mirror, and like what I see.
I want to introduce myself to Me, with love and understanding.
This is my journey.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
~ Muhammad Ali
Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up.
~ Pearl S. Buck
posted by Unknown | 9:25 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home