Thursday Thirteen Things

1. Well I haven't been feeling well again (yeppers). I think I need to eat oatmeal for the rest of my life as my stomach is not liking me lately.

2. Drama with the kids seems to have subsided at least I hope. Harmoney has moved and her car seems to have setteled down, Bunny has moved and T has finally gone down to the INS.

3. Lots of money coming in but still need $1400.00 to finish paying off the bills for August and he is still spending.

4. Might go camping this weekend - not sure. He bought a new metal detector and wants to try it out.

5. House is cleaner than it has been.

6. Haven't gone to the gym this week and I feel bad about it.

7. Need to get pupper dog a bath she is looking kinda like a dog.

8. Lost season 2 comes out on Tuesday - I will be the first in line to rent it so I can be caught up before the new season starts. Speaking of new seasons I will be glad when they start as there has been absolutly nothing on TV....I mean nothing!

9. Last weekend I bought a new coffee pot as the old one was toast (need one of those to). It was wedding gift, as I heaved it to the junk heap I found it astounding that it served us so well for so long - TWO WHOLE YEARS!. And I don't even drink coffee.

10. After all the complaining, moaning and vapors inspired swooning I've done about the heat this summer, I should like to make a statement. A grand proclamation, even, pronouncing the weather today, right now, this very minute, so stunning in its perfection - the crystalline blue sky, the shimmering brightness, the coolly swaying breeze and the absence of any temp over 100 whatsoever - it brings tears to my eyes and joy to my soul. This day is the very kind of day that motivated my eagerness to move to Caifornia, lo those twenty nine years ago (jesus has it been that long).

11. And here I sit, walled in an office cubicle, staring intently at a computer screen in order to avoid pressing my face against the plate glass window in desperate longing. There is something, most definitely, wrong with this picture.

12. I'm getting excited about my classes that will start in January, Harmony said she want's to take the swimming class with me - HOW FUN IS THAT!!

13. Think I'll start compiling thirteen things of little interest to anyone but me on Thursdays, it's a good thing I don't suffer from triskaidekaphobia.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

There is a tiny seed inside of me that wants to grow. It wants to dig its roots deep into my earth and twine its prickly green limbs around my empty spaces. It reaches greedily, soaking up the light, and feeds unmercifully, sustaining itself on a steady diet of doubt and fear, envy and ruthlessness.
It grows like kudzu, ambitious without conscience or a modicum of self control, smothering the life from other seedlings showing the audacity, or the optimism, to plant themselves in harm's way.
Diligence my only tool, I am the gardener in charge. Responsible for pruning away the violent tendencies of the choking weed; for nurturing the weaker, less strident saplings. Responsible for determining what dies on the vine and what is encouraged to thrive; what withers away, dust to dust, and what blooms in spontaneous bursts of hopeful glory.
A daunting obligation, to be sure.

Blink

This morning I happened to catch my own eyes in the mirror.
The force of habit cultivated over a millenium gone by causes me to take for granted seeing myself from the inside out. Today was one of those rare days when something made me stop and really look, deep into my own eyes, from the outside in.
A jarring experience, when it happens, avoided with intentionality more often than not. Unavoidable, if purely the chance of happenstance, today.
This morning, just like every time before, I met my own taciturn gaze.
"Who the hell are you?" I asked.
There was no reply.
And this morning, just like every time before, the silence seemed to say it all.

_____________________________________________________________

Last night I visted a special friend, it was nice knowing each and every word that was said was not only heard but absorbed and stored in a special place. This earth needs more people like that. Thanks special friend.

Well I made it thru Monday

– as boring as it was and now I’m on to Tuesday – an even more boring day. Work is slow in fact so slow I am sitting here wondering what I may do (take a nap?). The boss is in court so I am all alone. The phone is even silent.

Make my way to the gym again this morning and walked my mile, getting better on my time but still not hitting it in 15 minutes. I’m up ½ a pound but I think I may have had to much salt yesterday. That and the fact my body is still not on track with its functions so I will start taking the x-lax again. Oh well.

I think we are going camping this weekend for hubby birthday. That is if he gets the trailer in gear I don’t have time or the energy to do it. I need to find some books to take with me to read I’m sure I will not be hiking or looking for gold.

And just for fun (due to boredom)
I present to you: The 40 Question Meme: check out my answers and tell me yours (kinda like I’ll show you mine if you show me yours)

1) My uncle once:
Scared the shit out of me when I was a youngster. Karen, Tammy and I were “camping” in the back yard. We had set up the tent, everything was going good until they needed to use the restroom. I thought they had gone into the house. I was just doing my thing laying there in the dark humming the theme song to the she “the monkeys” hey hey where the monkeys…….. when all of a sudden I heard a noise – I froze – listened…..once again there was that noise……I looked at the doorway and there coming towards me was this huge shadow “OHMYGOD” it’s a bear!!!!!!!! YES in the middle of the suburban neighborhood smack in the middle of the city of Sacramento there it was a HUGE bear!! My stomach started cramping from fear I didn’t move or breath……..My thoughts were I’m going to die (where is Karen and Tammy?). All of a sudden the bear starts talking and says “Where’s your sister and Karen? What!!!! Am I not enough dinner for you………………..then it dawns on me It’s my uncle buzz……I almost fainted.

2) Never in my life:
have I had sex with a woman

3) When I was five:
We lived in Germany and I swallowed a penny one morning as I was getting ready for school. I was so afraid that I would die I didn’t tell anyone. I was sure my mother would be mad at me for dying.

4) High School was:
better off left to the people who know what they are doing….me I knew nothing. Good thing I went to a continuation school I would have never graduated.

5) I will never forget:
anything, if I can help it. My biggest fear in life is losing my memory. Everything else can go. Leave my memories right where they are, tucked neatly inside my head and relived time and time again inside my heart.

6) I once met:
well here is the thing I haven’t met anyone I can think of that would go here.

7) There’s this girl I know who:
Once again being a loner doesn’t get me involved in to many people lives.

8 ) Once, at a :
airport where I was stranded with my girls, I found the most kindest people. Funny how people can help when you need it the most.

9) By noon I’m usually:
looking for it to be 5:00pm

10) Last night:
I sat around watching tv alone and then went to bed.

11) If I only had:
Time? Money? Time?

12) Next time I go to church:
well I don’t see that happening.

13) Terry Schiavo:
another government stupid move. What ever happened to the government minding there own business.

14) What worries me most:
Anything that could hurt my kids. I'm fiercely protective of their emotional and physical well-being.

15) When I turn my head left, I see:
The door that would lead me out of this messy pit of an office.

16) When I turn my head right, I see:
This messy pit of an office

17) You know I’m lying when:
HA! Never.

18) What I miss most about the eighties:
the hope I had for the future…

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be:
Juliet

20) By this time next year:
I hope to be skinny and beautiful..

21) A better name for me would be:
sap….

22) I have a hard time understanding:
hate, war, hunger, rich people

23) If I ever go back to school I’ll:
be a better person, maybe this time around it will be easy.

24) You know I like you if:
you already know….don’t you

25) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be:
My cousin, for always being there, encouraging me to be the best I can be.

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro:
hummmm creation to government….just the way they like it.

27) Take my advice, never:
take my advice.

28) My ideal breakfast is:
cereal……love it

29) A song I love, but do not have is:
Yesterday all my trouble seem so far way, now it looks there here to stay….oh I believe in yesterday.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest:
you don’t stay very long. Actually do I have a hometown?

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars:
ok this one doesn’t make sense (are you with me here)

32) Why won’t people:
just be nice? Just move on? Forgive more easily?

33) If you spend the night at my house:
you would sleep in my trailer as it is the only place that hasn’t been infected by the cigarette smoke

34) I’d stop my wedding for:
some common sense

35) The world could do without:
mean people. Mean people suck. And selfish people. And stupid ones. And hunger, pestilence, disease, war, greed, and evil, too.

36) I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
yewwwww........ wtf? I'd rather die than lick the belly of a cockroach.

37) My favorite blonde is:
Karen and one more nannie

38) Paper clips are more useful than:
toothpicks

39) If I do anything well, it’s:
loving my kids

40) And by the way:
did you know that world peace is available yeppers just $9.99 at walmart….I know cause I saw it on TV.

"D" day #1 - will I survive

I did all the right things last night, got my bag ready so I would have a change of clothes, packed food for the day and filled water bottles with good water to drink today. Trudged upstairs and set both of the alarms as I overselpt that morning due to no alarm going off (not sure what happened) and tried to get a good night sleep.

Today well it is only 8:30 am and already I hate life. Let's see woke up alone again seems hubby didn't come to bed again (we really should just sleep in different rooms). Got myself ready and was almost out the door when "HE" asked the question I hate most from his mouth "is everything alright". I want to scream NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! but that is not the answer he wants to hear he wants "oh yes everything is just perfect" and it is not. Of course I tried to get out before I exploded and well I didn't make it.

Gym was good not to many people there so I had the machines to myself, so that worked well in my favor. I did weigh myself and found I am at 217.5 so I have a long way to go. I sweated for 1/2 an hour, checked to make sure that they have lockers and showers (they do) and left for the day.

I really felt good about the workout and can hardly wait to get back into normal clothes and not the ballon ones I have been forced to wear due to - well I don't know if my stomach is bloated because of the surgery or what. But I can't get my pants to zip without feeling like I can't breath. I refuse to buy any more clothes as I have plenty in my closets.

So he left me two messages while I was at the gym one I really found stupid. "Call me when you get done doing whatever it is your doing" - What the fuck, what am I doing!!