I've always harbored enormous envy for people who live their passion. People who hear a calling with such clarity that response is the only answer, driven by compulsion or by destiny. People for whom not answering is not even a choice, really.
People possessing the gift of innate purpose awe me, and amaze me, and inspire me, and even, sometimes, make me squirm in discomfort, knowing that in my life a long haze of self-absorption, it's entirely likely I'd never recognize my "purpose" if it were handed to me on a silver platter.
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When I was very young, possibility was infinite. I walked on the surface of a sweeping expanse of dreamy ideals where everything was possible. Succumbing to the worst trait of youth, I set about defining myself before there was enough information available to formulate such a statement of finality. Assuming prophetical reality would materialize, I suppose, and being blissfully ignorant to the fact that only the life I led could provide any legitimate definition.
When I was older, but still young, possibility seemed incredibal, constrained by the facts of my so called life. I had no business playing mommy to three babies, or wife to a husband, or paying rent and other financial responsibilities beyond my ability to comprehend. I had no business being that person, in that place; yet there I was. And I nearly suffocated from the weight of it. From the toxic imbalance in my head that shrouded possibility in a thick, murky fog through which all I could see were two choices: live or die.
I didn't much care which way it went, then. Surviving the day was all the challenge I could handle. But I survived more than the day. I survived the fog, and the toxins, and even the aftershocks that rumbled intently beneath the surface, waiting for an opportune moment to inflict further damage at will. I survived it, and built upon its shaky ground a foundation of inner strength forged with unbreakable bonds. I survived it all, and grew from it, in ways still being revealed.
When my youth was well behind me, I finally found myself. I discovered that every step might not take me where I expected to go, or where I wanted to go, but would never fail, eventually, to lead me where I needed to go. I came to understand that love was not a thing to be exploited or manipulated or manufactured, but rather that it was the rarest of gifts, to have and to hold, to give and to receive, made more precious without condition. I learned that happiness was always there for me, if only I'd embrace it.
Perhaps most importantly, I considered the existence of possibility again.
In the years since, I have learned my life has been full. In every day-to-day struggle is a feeling of accomplishment. In every day-to-day success, the calm of fulfillment. There is a sense of not being settled, of searching for a certain magical place I was always intended to find. I'm still searching for my elusive self; I've come to know this path well. I'm no longer constrained by my own self-interest; I've come to value the view far beyond those narrow, stifling confines.
Today, I walk on the surface of a sweeping expanse of dreamy ideals where anything is possible. Life has set about defining me on the basis of the information available, and I'm blissfully attuned to the fact that I have the chance expand that definition with every choice made and every action taken.
It's up to me.
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I dream of an entirely new phase in my life, one full of time and energy, of security and stability. One laden with a lifetime of knowledge and the confidence of self-awareness.
The journey to this point has reached, a fork in the road. And looking forward, in any direction, I feel the pull of opportunity to turn the dreamy ideals that simmer just beneath the surface into purpose and passion. I hear a calling, faint but insistent, and I feel the urge to answer.
So, where do I want to go today, when the options seem as limitless as my imagination?
I don't rightly know for certain.
Yet.
But I can't wait to explore the possibilites.
The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
