Life as we see it.

It's funny as a child I use to say I can't wait until I grow up and then I will be the one in control of my life. Now I'm 52 and feel that I am in no more control then I was as a child.  Sure I get to eat the cookie dough till I get sick and sure I can have ice cream for dinner if I want but I'm still being dictated by other adults with what I will call higher rank than I. The frustrating thing is there is no end to this, ever.  I have learned that no matter how high up on the control ladder you get there is always someone higher up, stepping on you, pushing there butt in your face to keep you below them.

I remember having this illusion of how I wanted to see myself, the wonderful husband, the Volvo, the white picket fence around my storybook house.  Living the yuppie dream of a soccer mom.  HA nottttttt.  Didn't even get close to that.  What a fucking let down I have lived, my dreams were just that dreams.  I was awarded three beautiful girls that love me, so I gain in that aspect but the rest has been nothing less than walking thru quicksand.

I say all these things because once again I have come to a crossroad in my life and the fork is looming ahead of me.  It's all the decisions I have made the enormous amount of wrong turns and the few right turns that keeps me standing here wondering again what road is right.  God I hate these moments, I just want to crawl under a rock and have someone bash it on me over and over again.  Please someone give me relief.

                ~"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."~
                      Lao Tzu

And the hits just keep comming

At some point I need a break, I need to be able to breath without crying and feeling hopeless.  I'm 52 and now on top of all the shit I have had to endure now I have to find a new job.  I'm tired of being a workabee I just want to bee.....