The only time I write is when I am sad.

The funny thing is when I'm happy I have way to much to do to actually sit down and write about my life.  You would think I could find enough stuff to do to keep me from thinking about all the shit that is going on but I just sit and watch the pile of crap get bigger.

So it has been determined that I should no longer make any decisions and I'm ok with this as all the decisions so far I have made in the last 52 years have been crappy.

I truly think I am determined to create drama any where I can.  This last go around almost was to much for me.  I make this big dramatic decision to quit my job after 14 years thinking not only will I be able to take some time off and have another job waiting for me, but also receive unemployment.  Well I was so very very wrong.   Everything has fallen apart.  

I ruined any chance of us getting a house right now, my connections are not panning out for a job waiting for me, the unemployment I thought I would get has been denied because the witch screwed me.  So I have no money coming in, no job waiting, no house to buy and I feel like an idiot.

I don't know if I have ever hit the bottom like I did this time.  

So I give it over to the man, the husband, the person I can at least say "Really".

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

Am I sad, of course I am.  Things just keep moving forward with nothing different.  I try to find the joy of things but I can't.  I know I was not born in this world to be treated special.  But at some point it would be nice to have the tables turned.  I could make a list all complied in my head that keep me the saddest but it won't change anything.  

I have been told to many times "your tears don't affect me" and don't you know I believe him.  But will my death.....

Only time will tell.