FREAKY FRIDAY
I am not very good at giving or receiving compliments.
When i receive a compliment, my first impulse is to explain in great detail to the complimentor why, exactly, they are wrong. And that is a really sucky reaction, designed to annoy the complimentor and ensure that they don't make THAT mistake again.
I don't do this out of false modesty. I feel realistic about myself and my abilities and talents. I am not the best in the world at anything, nor the worst. There are billions of us in the world (and we keep reproducing) so how many of us can be the best at anything?
Maybe i can hear my mother's voice in my head. She did not compliment me, and one of her frequent comments was "Are you fishing for a compliment?" One must never in any way appear to be asking for a compliment.
Giving compliments is also difficult for me. I spend time trying to talk myself out of it. They'll think i'm trying to suck up, they won't believe me, they've heard it before, i might annoy them. Will the recipient understand that i really mean it? I want to give more, but i don't want to be perceived as insincere.
This, annoying even to me, little exercise in self-consciousness has got to stop. I will practice giving compliments as i think them, and not concern myself with the reaction, over which i have no control. I will also just say "thank you" when i receive a compliment, and then SHUT UP
My Defect is Revealed
When i was 12 years old, my mother took me to the doctor and i did not know why. When he had me take off my underpants WITH MY MOTHER IN THE ROOM, i did not know why. When he looked at my privates with his creepy goateed face, i did not know why.Back at home, left with no information, my mind went wild with speculation. I was born without one, whatever one was. (You have to understand my level of ignorance about my own body. I did not know that there were any inside bits. I mean, i had heard tell of these bits, but i had not located mine.)
My parents never told me anything about sex, ever, and thus i was left to my own devices to try and figure it out. I knew that this horrible thing happened to women at a certain age, and that while it was still ok to go out in public at this terrible time, i must make sure to eat my vegetables and get plenty of rest.
(This was learned from the movie that all the girls were herded into the lunchroom one day to view, after our parents had signed the permission slip. Oh god we were sorry for the girls whose parents had refused to sign, and who had to go and sit in the library during this momentous event.)
My defect had become so apparent that my mother had to take me to a specialist. He gave me pills to take, and they made me sick. Maybe these were to help me grow whatever it was i was missing. I lived in fear and shame for about a year, in which time the “secret” did its thing and i "became a woman".
********************************
I should be able to look back at this and find some humor, but i can still feel the ignorance and the shame of it. I still wonder if that doctor knew what the hell he was doing. And i still wonder what i would have decided to do if i had been asked. My guess is that i would have been all for it, i didn't want to be a candidate for the circus.
When i receive a compliment, my first impulse is to explain in great detail to the complimentor why, exactly, they are wrong. And that is a really sucky reaction, designed to annoy the complimentor and ensure that they don't make THAT mistake again.
I don't do this out of false modesty. I feel realistic about myself and my abilities and talents. I am not the best in the world at anything, nor the worst. There are billions of us in the world (and we keep reproducing) so how many of us can be the best at anything?
Maybe i can hear my mother's voice in my head. She did not compliment me, and one of her frequent comments was "Are you fishing for a compliment?" One must never in any way appear to be asking for a compliment.
Giving compliments is also difficult for me. I spend time trying to talk myself out of it. They'll think i'm trying to suck up, they won't believe me, they've heard it before, i might annoy them. Will the recipient understand that i really mean it? I want to give more, but i don't want to be perceived as insincere.
This, annoying even to me, little exercise in self-consciousness has got to stop. I will practice giving compliments as i think them, and not concern myself with the reaction, over which i have no control. I will also just say "thank you" when i receive a compliment, and then SHUT UP
My Defect is Revealed
When i was 12 years old, my mother took me to the doctor and i did not know why. When he had me take off my underpants WITH MY MOTHER IN THE ROOM, i did not know why. When he looked at my privates with his creepy goateed face, i did not know why.Back at home, left with no information, my mind went wild with speculation. I was born without one, whatever one was. (You have to understand my level of ignorance about my own body. I did not know that there were any inside bits. I mean, i had heard tell of these bits, but i had not located mine.)
My parents never told me anything about sex, ever, and thus i was left to my own devices to try and figure it out. I knew that this horrible thing happened to women at a certain age, and that while it was still ok to go out in public at this terrible time, i must make sure to eat my vegetables and get plenty of rest.
(This was learned from the movie that all the girls were herded into the lunchroom one day to view, after our parents had signed the permission slip. Oh god we were sorry for the girls whose parents had refused to sign, and who had to go and sit in the library during this momentous event.)
My defect had become so apparent that my mother had to take me to a specialist. He gave me pills to take, and they made me sick. Maybe these were to help me grow whatever it was i was missing. I lived in fear and shame for about a year, in which time the “secret” did its thing and i "became a woman".
********************************
I should be able to look back at this and find some humor, but i can still feel the ignorance and the shame of it. I still wonder if that doctor knew what the hell he was doing. And i still wonder what i would have decided to do if i had been asked. My guess is that i would have been all for it, i didn't want to be a candidate for the circus.
posted by Unknown | 3:33 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home