July......the saddest month of the year.

In two days it will mark the 8th anniversary of my sisters death.  I can recite the story like it was yesterday and cry just as hard as the day she died.  The failure I feel with her is immense, this I truly believe was the biggest mistake I have ever made.  And, I can't make it up to her.  I can never fix the failure.  I bear this shame and burden every day how I was not there for her the way I should have been.

So this month has been hard on me like it is every year.  But this time around the cosmos are really punishing me, as I sit here with a broken toe I realize this is just the end of a very bad month. One of many crappie things that passed by me this month.  I wish I could call her and say I'm sorry, I take back all the cruel horrible things I have ever said to you, the way I treated you.  This thought pops into my head with some regularity, which is not surprising when you consider I called her every day after she went into hospice.  It stings every time I have to remind myself I can't call her anymore.

It feels odd to think we haven't had a proper conversation in over seven years.  And by "proper conversation," I mean one of the two-way variety.  Because heaven knows we have lots of the one-way sort, with me doing all the talking.

I miss you Tammy.

I don't imagine that will ever stop.

waiting~waiting~waiting

Every morning when I wake up I feel two things, one, I'm hungry, which irritates me to no end and two that I am getting older by the second, which really sends me into a spiral.

At moments during the day I think about wasted time.  Yes I have a tendency to think of odd things.  I try to add up all the times in a day that are just plain wasted....

Sitting at a red light (yep I am the red light queen), if I am meant to be somewhere fast I will undoubtedly hit every red light, yep every flippin one of them.

Being on hold with who ever the heck is on the other line.  I have been know to fall asleep while on hold which could benefit me in other ways but this blog is about wasted time.

Waiting on the tarmac in a plane, or how about just being in a plane.  Can't go anywhere, can't do anything. You just sit until you reach your destination.

OK this one is a really bad one - Watching TV (oooo), yep and if we really want to get technical "and the commercials".

So with a few being named it is at this point I have decided I want that time back.  I want it all added up and stuck at the "end" of my life.  Give me back that extra time I WASTED!!!

How many of you could actually figure out how much time that would amount to?
I figure if it was only a second it would be worth it.
Unless I'm the last one...
then I say keep it, I'm comin home.....