July......the saddest month of the year.

In two days it will mark the 8th anniversary of my sisters death.  I can recite the story like it was yesterday and cry just as hard as the day she died.  The failure I feel with her is immense, this I truly believe was the biggest mistake I have ever made.  And, I can't make it up to her.  I can never fix the failure.  I bear this shame and burden every day how I was not there for her the way I should have been.

So this month has been hard on me like it is every year.  But this time around the cosmos are really punishing me, as I sit here with a broken toe I realize this is just the end of a very bad month. One of many crappie things that passed by me this month.  I wish I could call her and say I'm sorry, I take back all the cruel horrible things I have ever said to you, the way I treated you.  This thought pops into my head with some regularity, which is not surprising when you consider I called her every day after she went into hospice.  It stings every time I have to remind myself I can't call her anymore.

It feels odd to think we haven't had a proper conversation in over seven years.  And by "proper conversation," I mean one of the two-way variety.  Because heaven knows we have lots of the one-way sort, with me doing all the talking.

I miss you Tammy.

I don't imagine that will ever stop.