Same shit ~ Different Day

First of all, I'll just say it: I feel the need to purge my SELF. I am heavier than I  was at the start of the year and miserable about it. The more misery I allow myself to wallow around in, the more I feed the misery. Literally. I cannot seem to stop eating. It doesn't even have to taste good. I don't even have to be hungry. In fact, I can be completely stuffed and still find a reason or a way to justify a bowl of ice cream or a handful of chips.  And the more I LITERALLY feed the misery, the more I hate myself for it.

It's such a stupid, vicious cycle. It doesn't matter if I'm in a happy place in life or a stressful one. It doesn't matter if people make those awesome, so helpful comments ("You have such a pretty face!), or if they lie to your face ("You look fantastic!). It doesn't matter that I know enough about Weight Watchers to teach it. It doesn't matter that I have total control over the food purchased and/or prepared in our home. It doesn't matter that I don't NEED to swing through the swill-pushing drive-thru because my fridge is filled with healthy and delicious food. It doesn't matter that I look in the mirror or try on clothes and feel nothing but disgust for myself.

It's stupid. It's vicious. And knowing what it takes to change but having some crippling flaw preventing me doing it is beyond frustrating. I am less than my best self. I feel anger, shame, embarrassment, self-pity, denial. It's borderline hopeless.

I know what to do.

I don't know how to do it.

And then, in the midst of this self-loath-y mindset, I stumbled upon a website http://www.plantoeat.com/......hummm I wonder will this help.  So once again I'm on my way to another but pitiful attempt to get to where I need to be before the holidays.