My 52 bucket list....cuz I'm 52.

So one day I am going to hit the end of the road and I thought it might be a good idea to put down my list of things I would like to do before then.  I have promised myself that if for some reason I don't make all 52 I will be ok with it.  Really.  I'll be dead so it won't matter. lol.

1.   Go and see the northern lights
2.   Lose 70 pounds
3.   Go whale watching
4.   Drive across the United States hitting all the major landmarks.
5.   Visit Maine and eat lobster
6.   Rent a house on Martha Vineyards and stay for awhile
7.   Stay at an Ice Hotel in Sweden
8.   Walk on the great wall of China
9.   Name a star after my sister Tammy
10. Go to a Superbowl game with the sea-hawks
11. Take a train across Canada
12. Visit Hawaii
13. Get a henna tattoo
14. Ride a zip line
15. Visit New Zealand
16. See the hobbit huts in New Zealand
17. Send a message in a bottle
18. Learn how to line dance
19. Have a reading with Theresa Cuputo
20. Take a ride in a hot air balloon
21. Hike the 100 mile trail
22. Attend Buffalo High school reunion
23. Sponsor a family at Christmas
24. Work at an animal shelter
25. Start a hobby like mosaic art
26. Have a boudoir pictures taken
27. Learn how to speak another language
28. Write my life story
29. Get a bikini wax
30. Try acupuncture
31. Have lazor hair remover done on face, legs and underarms
32. Drink tea at a Japanese tea house
33. Learn how to pole dance
34  Get hypnotized
35. Go down in a submarine
36. Go on an Alaskan cruise
37. Visit an amish community
38. Try indoor skydiving
39. Go to New York on New Years Eve and watch the ball drop in times square
40. Visit Ireland
41. Be completely out of debt
42. Watch my grand kids graduate
43. Walk the largest corn maze
44. Run in a marathon
45. Go on a 21 day juice fast
46. Have a family picture done with all my kids and grand kids
47. Get my teeth whitened
48. Buy my first house
49. Laugh until I pee my pants
50. Have all my paperwork in order
51. Win the lottery
52. Make peace with my self

Why am I the man of the house?

Sometimes it's as if, if I don't do it then it is not going to get done.  Now for some that know me they would say that would be my typical "Co-dependent" comment.  But really am I the only one that cares about locking up the house, Closing doors, turning off lights, shutting off running water either from the faucet (Yep) or the toilet (because no one will fix them).  I literally could go on and on.

71/2 years ago I met a man who had been out of prison for 1 year.  I found him to be kind, caring and loving.  He had a good job, his own car, established his credit and had a decent place to live.  I felt relieved that I had finally found "The One".   At first I did the "don't worry about a thing" crap and did everything, cleaned, cooked, laundry......etc, etc...

But now well let's just say could I at least get someone to lock the house at night before you come to bed. Jeez.  After we got robbed a few years ago, I have had this fear of it happening again.  I lost some very precious items that I can never replace in that robbery.  Rick on the other hand lost nothing of value.  His response to me is as long as I am at home noting will happen.  Well CRAP he works out of town and I am left at home alone most of the time and when he is home he is so tired he could sleep thru a train wreck.

There was once a story and I have no idea where I heard if from but in it there are a husband and wife who are sitting at the table talking.  They decided to tell each other what bugs them the most about the other one. In this story the wife goes first and starts going on and on about all the things the husband does that drives her crazy.  Kinda like me with the lights, doors and such.  It is quite a list and after she is done it is his turn. This man looks at his wife and says "I don't like the way you peal an orange".  That's it.  She is dumbfound and says "really that's it", he says "yep".  The moral of the story is everyone has defects of character and it is up to us to look past them and find the person we fell in love with.  Learn how to cherish them in spite of there faults and embrace the good things about them even there defects.

So I try, I do really try.
This man is the love of my life I refuse to lose him to anything.
So now I just have to find the orange in my life
and make juice.

A squirrel died this morning.

"Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live."  Henry Van Dyke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well it was dead, not sure when it actually died.  It looked like it had fallen out of the palm tree they seem to be living in.  I was saddened by the sight and laid it to rest in my garbage can.  It was a male and looked mature in age.  I wondered as I gave it the heave hoe into the garbage if it had a family. Was there going to be little babies that weren't going to get fed because of the death.  What a chain reaction one death can make if you really think about it.

So that is how this year has gone for me, kinda like a squirrel dying.  One moment your busy living life, going thru the motions to support your family the next your doing nothing.  And nothing is my mainstay these days.  Kids off on there own, grandkids with there mom, husband working out of town, dogs doing the dog thing.....me doin nothin.

I have so much I "NEED" to do, so much I "SHOULD" be doing but I can't get the focus.  There is that "DIET" I can't wrap my fat body around.  It seems every time I think or say "DIET" my body gains five pounds.  There is the "EXERCISE"  I keep telling myself I'm going to start because without it the "DIET" is doomed, well it's doomed anyway.  I do have the "PURGE" I wanted to do with my boxes of stuff.  I'm on a mission to get everything scanned so I can have access to my stuff where ever I am.  Oh and let not forget the "REAL ESTATE" class I bought and paid for in order to advance myself.  Still just sitting in my office, still in the box......waiting for me to "get my ass" in there.

I know I'm failing myself right now and I can't get myself to stop.
I'm failing my family
I'm just plain failing
Shit....I hate that word.

The meaning of lonely.

lone·ly

ˈlōnlē

adjective

1. sad because one has no friends or company.

   "lonely old people whose families do not care for them"

   synonyms:

   isolated, alone, lonesome, friendless, with no one to turn to, forsaken,abandoned, rejected, unloved, unwanted, outcast;

   • without companions; solitary.

     "passing long lonely hours looking onto the street"

     synonyms:

     solitary, unaccompanied, lone, by oneself/itself, companionless "the lonely life of a writer"
   • (of a place) unfrequented and remote.

     "a lonely stretch of country lane"

     synonyms:

     deserted, uninhabited, unfrequented, unpopulated, desolate,isolated, remote, out of the way, secluded, off the beaten track/path,in the back of beyond, godforsaken; informalin the middle of nowhere "a lonely road"

Same shit ~ Different Day

First of all, I'll just say it: I feel the need to purge my SELF. I am heavier than I  was at the start of the year and miserable about it. The more misery I allow myself to wallow around in, the more I feed the misery. Literally. I cannot seem to stop eating. It doesn't even have to taste good. I don't even have to be hungry. In fact, I can be completely stuffed and still find a reason or a way to justify a bowl of ice cream or a handful of chips.  And the more I LITERALLY feed the misery, the more I hate myself for it.

It's such a stupid, vicious cycle. It doesn't matter if I'm in a happy place in life or a stressful one. It doesn't matter if people make those awesome, so helpful comments ("You have such a pretty face!), or if they lie to your face ("You look fantastic!). It doesn't matter that I know enough about Weight Watchers to teach it. It doesn't matter that I have total control over the food purchased and/or prepared in our home. It doesn't matter that I don't NEED to swing through the swill-pushing drive-thru because my fridge is filled with healthy and delicious food. It doesn't matter that I look in the mirror or try on clothes and feel nothing but disgust for myself.

It's stupid. It's vicious. And knowing what it takes to change but having some crippling flaw preventing me doing it is beyond frustrating. I am less than my best self. I feel anger, shame, embarrassment, self-pity, denial. It's borderline hopeless.

I know what to do.

I don't know how to do it.

And then, in the midst of this self-loath-y mindset, I stumbled upon a website http://www.plantoeat.com/......hummm I wonder will this help.  So once again I'm on my way to another but pitiful attempt to get to where I need to be before the holidays.

 

I miss my life.....

Somewhere out there I left my life behind.  I just picked up and abandoned it.  I turned left instead of right and it kept on going.  It happened when my youngest "Devon" graduated from school and I was left alone for the first time ever.  Before that I had a schedule of working my brains out to give each on of them the best life I could come up with.  It wasn't much of a goal for myself but it gave me a purpose.  After they all left me, as it should be ~ I stopped, skipped a beat and just fell on my face.

Before the abandonment of my kids I knew each day what my purpose was, after, I couldn't figure it out. To this day I still wonder what my purpose is.  I hate each morning as I get up and the first thing I see is me in the mirror, fat, old and of all horrors just like my mother!!!

How do I change this? My rut is deep and long, I can't pull the rope any harder to find the ledge.  I hate each and every thing about me right now.  My job, my finances, my body, my energy, my sadness.....god I could go on and on.

But your not here to listen to me wine and moan.....your here to see that I found the light......found the ledge......your here to find what inspiring thing I can say or do.
Jeezzz, I'm fucked.
I failed you.
I failed myself.


“By changing nothing, nothing changes.”– Tony Robbins

Sometimes I wish......

Life is hard.....life is so hard why do we continue?  Why do we get up each day and continue on and on.  I just don't get it.  There is so little good times verses the hard, tough and sad times.  I have prayed for the end to be near for myself, but I'm not one of the lucky ones.  I have come to the conclusion we only cry at funerals because we are sad that we got left behind.  We are truly happy for the person who left, they no longer have to toil each day away. I have been left behind by my family.  Each has died way before they should have and here I sit, living. Living a mundane life of ho hums and whatever's.




Does this make me a depressed person? sometimes.
Does this mean I have given up?  In a way.
Will I go on?  of course.....

Should I eat the cookie......hummmm

Is "fat" really the worst thing a human being can be? Is "fat" worse than "vindictive", "jealous", "shallow", "vain", "boring", or "cruel"?.....not to me.     J.K. Rowling


So for most people I harp on my weight more than I should.  Their feeling is I should just stop talking about it and do something.  Jeez......now that's a thought.  I think I have been doing something about it since I turned 18.  So now there is where lies the problem.  Maybe at 52 it is time to just stop and smell the roses.

I remember a time.....nope that's gone to.  I can try to recall when I was younger and food was not my enemy.  I could run, bike and play till the sun went down, and for much of my childhood life that is exactly what I did. 

Then I hit puberty and that stupid baby fat just sat there, it wanted more of me and I let it.  I fed it 5 pregnancies, many late night ice cream runs and moments of happiness that only a person who grew up poor could understand.

In my life the only happy memories were going to the grocery store to buy food.  It was a family affair and both my parents were in a good mood.  This meant there was money to spend on food.  We would have a ~ sit down at the table, fill your plates, and gorge until the moon came up meal that night.  The entire family would "talk", "laugh" and actually "smile".  I loved those moments.

So for me food is not about the sad lonely times, it's about happy, bottom of the gut laughter with my kids and husband.  I don't eat because I'm sad ~ I eat because I'm happy.  How the hell do you fix that Einstein....  yeah fix that one, person who has all the answers. 
hummmmm no comment. 
Figures.

(originally written May 18, 2011 at 10:23am) Today I'm going to go public

 I have really been thinking about why I am at a standstill with losing weight.  Other than I just love food and have admitted that I have a food addiction I want to get this last 50lbs off of me.  So here goes.  On my weight watchers diet I get 29 points a day.  Most veggies and all fruit are free points.  So this will become my food journal, each day I will write down everything I put in my mouth (out of the gutter DeVon) and make myself accountable for my actions.  I am lucky in many ways that I have a very supportive family and Rick loves me no matter what, I just want to feel good about myself and get into a size 9 or 10. Oh, and of course don't want to forget my health - that's really the most important.  Soooooo here I go.
I will add as the day goes on additional food that I eat.
29 starting
5 points - 1 cup of Greek cinnamon yogurt w/2 mandarins and 1 banana
6 points - 1 15.2 oz. naked protein juice smoothie
4 points - Asian Chicken salid w/no chicken from Panera
0 points - Large Ice Tea with Lemon
Doing pretty good even with the stress of having to get new tires for my car and spending all that money (yuck).  Didn't say f*#k it and start shoveling it in.  Now just to finish the day.
10 points - 1 cup mac & cheese
4 points - 1 pork chop
0 points - cauliflower and carrots
Done for today - and I get to start again tomorrow.  Thanks for being there for me family and friends.

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  Dia Divine Mike is doing the same thing with the weigh watchers for men online. It's nice because I can go on his account and see how many points things will be before I make them. We alot more fruit and veggies with dinner since they are no points. Lately we've ...See More

  May 18, 2011 at 10:31am · Like
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  Tari Davenport I started Jimmy on it and he has lost 10 lb. His breakfast and lunch we didn't change just dinner. I can't believe it. I'm not doing as good as Jimmy and I eat the same thing. so today I have eaten a whole bag of Pepperidge Farm cho macadamia cookies. :((

  May 18, 2011 at 10:37am · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major and how many points is that mom? you look fantastic already!!

  May 18, 2011 at 10:41am 

(originally written May 19, 2011 at 8:29am) Day 2 I think I can....I think I can....

Well I'm off to another start today.  For those of you who think I'm crazy to post my fat troubles you'all must be the skinny ones.  I guess I want to feel like if I mess up and have to post it here that would be to much, so hopefully this will keep me in line.  I did really good yesterday and I'm all up for today.  Rick of course is totally with me on this - I'm sure anything to help me get this weight off.
10 points - 2 cups of Greek cinnamon yogurt w/2 bananas (feeling a little ape today)
6 points - Fuji Apple and Pecan Chicken salid w/no chicken and no cheese from Panera0 points - Large Ice Tea w/lemon
Yep it's an apple - nothing special about it except it is 0 points.
and for the finish of my day
6 points - Turkey meat loaf with cheese, mushrooms and yummy bbq sauce
and just because I wanted a treat today
7 points - Apple, straberry tart
Yep I'm done for another day at least I don't feel so bloated today, almost had to take a pin and pop me.  So until tomorrow - love you all.

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• Marusia Guramba likes this.
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  Martina Francine-Roberts Erby guess I shouldnt make what I was going to make for dinner you may get tempted..

  May 19, 2011 at 8:32am · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major No you make whatever it was....I have to learn to live in the world not around it. I will just fit it into my points (what is it)

  May 19, 2011 at 8:33am · Like
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  Martina Francine-Roberts Erby not sure yet well turkey loaf for sure

  May 19, 2011 at 8:39am · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major k.

  May 19, 2011 at 8:41am · Like
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  Phyllis Pantone if it will make you feel any better or help I too NEED to lose at LEAST 60lbs, and should lose another 30 after that. There I said it, that should scare anyone into losing weight. If you think about it that is almost the weight of a small woman. sadly I have no illusions about the reality of losing that much, just hope I can get close to being where I should be

  May 19, 2011 at 9:34am · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major Then we should become facebook WW buddies and you can lose along with me - what do ya think???? huhuhuhuh wanna try?

  May 19, 2011 at 10:45am · Like
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  Phyllis Pantone sure, I think we did ...what 10 years ago at the Bee

  May 19, 2011 at 11:40am · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major Yeah but you did so much better than me so jump on my wagon and lose some weight with me.

  May 19, 2011 at 12:56pm · Like
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  Phyllis Pantone I started today, of course scales don't work, but I'm going to do this, I have to, feet and knees can't handle it anymore. Looking at property in Arkansas & Tennessee, going to move, can't afford Cali anymore either. Child mine says he'll never come back here, sooooo, I guess I go to the mountain.

  May 19, 2011 at 1:12pm · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major Whaaa whoooooo great now your challenge today is to stay on the diet and by the time you go out south you will be lookin fine!!!!

  May 19, 2011 at 1:25pm · Like
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  Phyllis Pantone ummm, you need to eat the chicken and cheese for protein, I'm going to do high protein, low carbs low fats. Makes me feel better. Can't do the numbers thing:( tried before. Of course I used to run and exersize is important....oh wait, my knee buckles, is channel surfing and typing exersize?

  May 19, 2011 at 1:37pm · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major I save the points for dinner as my personal chef (Devon and Tina) always makes dinner (hehe).

  May 19, 2011 at 1:41pm · Like
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  Martina Francine-Roberts Erby yup and tonight is going to be yummy

  May 19, 2011 at 2:12pm · Like
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  Cheri Loray-Major yep it was

  May 19, 2011 at 8:14pm